I remember when I got this post free card, I was about 12, but already firmly set on the idea that my dreams would come true. I used to look at it and think, this is what I would want my life to be like: surreal, rich with experiences, creative. I wanted to live multiple life times in one. I wanted to create a life of my dreams.
And then, as if often goes, life has gotten into a rut. There was this race to finish high school, then uni, then to find a place. All the insecurities that people and circumstances have planted in my mind, about how I should live and what I should do, started to take root. I was lost for a really long time. I think probably my entire 20s.
It was first after graduating uni 2 years ago that I had time and perspective to really think about what I want to do and who I am. And even though changes can be a really scary thing, sometimes letting go of everything is the most eye opening experience that can guide you to the right path. But you have to have the courage to take that risk.
I have pretty much managed to sabotage my whole previous life. I lost my job, then I lost most of my friendships, then my family moved abroad, and woah.. here I was, free as the wind. No obligations to anyone, no restrictions, just living from day to day as I always wanted. I’ve cut ties with everything that held me back before, gone was my place of belonging, gone were all the ways back to former life.
At first, it was painful. It was very painful. I was in deep depression, I felt hopeless knowing that I’m pretty much on my own. And what to do with this life and where to go from here? All I knew was that I didn’t want to go back to my old life anymore.
And all of a sudden these feelings of loss and nostalgia dissipated. With my growing isolation came a realization that I have a tremendous amount of freedom. And that’s what I always stood and yearned for. Freedom above all.
And my life’s calling was there all along. Burried under the fears of failure. I realized that the only way to live is to do what I love and stand up for it, no matter what others have to say. Taking risks is being alive, its the only way to find fulfillment in life. I’m an artist, I have always been, but it took me almost a decade to go back to this thought and accept it. And if you’re still searching for what you would like to do, then think with your heart, not your mind. And definitely not with other peoples limitations.
I cant believe now that I was so worried about not succeeding, when the only thing I should’ve worried about was never trying; or that I missed things that are trivial: uni experiences and fleeting friendships. These moments were there to lead me to something greater and bigger. I cant believe I wanted an ordinary life, and that I was trying to convince myself that being a receptionist and having a little house in the suburbs would make me happy. I cant believe that I was scared to let go of the small stuff, like security and routine, when there is so much more out there to explore, experience and perceive.
First time in my life I genuinely made peace with myself. And though, I’m not yet where I want to be, I’m glad to be me.
It’s also the first time that I really want and crave change. And I’m not afraid of it or what the future might hold. Because life is a journey, an opportunity to learn and develop. You can always change direction or reverse. But you cannot take the road you haven’t taken.
There is such a big world out there and I’m ready to see it.